After last night, I could never be a politician.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We are all done wearing pants today
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
