you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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