He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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