Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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