I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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