Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
