i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
