I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
