...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
