I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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