I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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