Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
