I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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