i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
