Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
