conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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