my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
