if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
