I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
