Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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