So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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