He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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