Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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