he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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