i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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