So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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