This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
