New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
