a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?