Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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