Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
