no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
3pm strippers are depressing
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
