I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
