I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
