exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
