What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This toilet bowl is my home.
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