i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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