i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
