Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
