I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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