I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
