so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
