Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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