I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
