Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did I show you my penis last night?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
