I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize