Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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