the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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