I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
