Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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