you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i've created a new STD.
I can't turn off my feet"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
