she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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