someone get that fucking seahorse.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
