Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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