Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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