meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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