Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
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I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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