i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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