mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
