I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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