your room smells of hookers.
And success
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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